Sidebar #4: More Random Thoughts from TV

Justifying my laziness, my descriptions of life here in India would not be complete without a post on what I watch and catch on TV. Like anywhere, there are good programs and bad and plenty of commercials. Personally, I mostly watch movies and the Dicovery Channel.

Here are some random things that have occured to me in those deadened hours.


Movies:

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The old grunt-and-shoot action movie Predator produced a remarkable 2 State Governors: Jesse Ventura for Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger for California. I'd say that must be a record if there was any rational reason to regularly count and compare how many futures Governors have appeared in any action movies in the first place. Makes you wonder what poor dialogue, flimsy plots and pyrotechnics has in common with politics doesn’t it...

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Catching part of the 1995 movie Johnny Mnemonic (only worthy because it is based on stories by the excellent future-noir writer William Gibson), I had to laugh at how dated its projection of future technology was already. Johnny is special because he can store a whopping 80GB in his brain as a secret courier. 80 gigs? Wow. Today you can get the same storage in an ipod for a few hundred bucks. I certainly hope my brain hold more than Johnny’s, or my ipod. Just goes to show though how fast technology can outpace fiction.

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I thought it was funny that they play Shakespeare in Love here with subtitles for the English accents. No joke. I didn’t pay attention though to see if they were the same. They aren’t always, although I’d hope those on TV would be better than most. Most of the ones on the pirated DVDs that dominate the video scene here are so bad to as to be funny. Watching the first 5 minutes of The Last King of Scotland without sound but with subtitles and I could not figure out what was going on. They were not even close.


Discovery Channel Programs:

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What is it about Discovery Channel programs that suck you in?

Tonight I was watching a program about the big cats of Africa. Did you know that when a lioness is in heat, in order to get pregnant she may have to mate 100s of times (and not always with the same male) and will mate twice an hour for up to 4 days. Often several females of the pride will go into heat at the same time with the alpha male mating with all of them until he tires and one of the lower males gets a chance. Social little kitties. And we joke about rabbits! (likely because it is less a good idea to poke fun at lions) But being slightly serious, the program also estimates that each lion will mate 3000 times for each cub that will survive its first year. Beyond our technology (and opposable thumbs), it is certain that our much superior ability to procreate (and again, we make fun of rabbits...yeah Kettle...) is at least as important a factor in our dominance of this planet.

I don’t know why the lion was ever considered the king of beasts though. The tiger is way bigger, meaner and tougher.

But whatever the lion’s position on the savannah and the tiger in the jungle, cheetah cubs are definitely the cutest – fuzzy furballs with big eyes and all the curiosity of domestic kittens. Cheetahs are amazing creatures to watch running, so fast and sleek and efficient. The adolescent cubs though, like all young, are far less agile and funny to see learning to stalk.

Now, the leopard however is smaller than the lion and slower than the cheetah, but is the most adaptable of the three. It will eat most anything from beetles to antelope far larger than itself. It will live in any climate across Asia from the savannah to the jungle to the snowy mountains, is excellent climber and doesn’t mind water. I think if I was a cat then I’d definitely be a leopard.

Now wasn’t that interesting and educational!

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I caught a program today about base jumping from the top of Angel Falls. Oh my God, so cool. Sorry mom and dad, but I have to say I’d love to do that if I got the chance.

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I caught a cooking program the other day where a UK chef was showing us the wonders of Indian cuisine and this week focusing on Tamil and South Indian regional dishes. It was great fun to see Chennai in the backdrop (as an aside, it is actually quite easy to pick out the major Indian metropolises on TV due to architectural styles and even more so, the colour scheme of the auto rickshaws. As one program coverage switched its stock background shots, I could easily differentiate Chennai from Bangalore from Delhi based on the ricks).

He did a great job showing how simple much of the cuisine is to cook and which wonderfully colourful spices form the core of all Tamil cooking (especially turmeric, chilli & curry leaves). He kept calling the city Madras though, which is a bit colonial considering the city is now named Chennai and most people use the new name.

But then he explained the venerable, but simple masala dosa and showed his total lack of local savvy. He goes to Saravanna Bhavan, a popular and recommended chain and then proceeds to explain how you break off chunks of the crispy dosa, spoon some masala onto the piece and eat it like a taco or brochetta...using both hands! I really wanted to reach into the TV and slap him. Anywhere in India, one of the most basic and first rules everyone learns is that you only eat with your right hand. No using your left hand. No using both to cup the dosa. Just no OK.


Commercials:

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I've written some about this before, but again for the record: 1 in 4 commercials on all channels are for age and beauty products. Ponds, Olay, Dove and a dozen others local and international compete to make you believe you are ugly, unsuccessful and un-marriable unless you improve your skin and hair using their products. Age spots, glow, shine, smoothness, miracles and above all lightening all get pushed with campaigns tailored to hit every fear, insecurity and societal weakness. It’s disgusting and a plague on ourselves. And India’s caught the virus as firmly as any country.

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Indian car commercials are even more outrageous in the romantic driving image than North American ones. Wide, empty highways, smooth roads, fast speeds. Here in India? Where? Trying to sell these images and roads as anything realistic in India is a seriously tall tale.

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Based on the image they are trying to project and strong brand message of “High performance. Delivered”, Tiger Woods for Accenture has got to be the most ideally suited spokes-person I’ve ever seen. He just oozes clearly recognizable brand on his own that conveys hard work, perseverance, detail and reinvention as the source of excellence. Of reaching the top then starting again. And of course Accenture wants to convey that exact message that even the top companies need to retool, reinvent and research-based insight. “Having the right information. Making the right decision. Looking for ways to improve.” One of the cleanest current brand images I can think of. And what is remarkable is that it is for consulting services that are not easily differentiable and far tougher to package than a product. Tiger Woods is bar none the best sports hero to come out since Michael Jordan. Wonder how long it is before he starts doing movies with Looney Toons too.

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McDonalds on the other hand though has a terrible current set of commercials here and ones that I can only assume are culturally tuned only to India. Their tag line is “call for happiness” somehow trying to connect their brand of food with euphoric giddiness and exuberance, that if you call for McD’s delivery, your life and arguments with your girlfriend will be solved. I have yet to see such an over-the-top image. I mean come on! No legal substance possibly can be believed to make such a turn-around in your evening. Indians are not ignorant consumers, but perhaps they find it funny-stupid not just stupid. Maybe McD’s just got snowed by the ad people. I don’t know, but it is not even annoying, just embarrassing. Making it even worse, their call number is 66-000-666. Not such a good number I figure for the Christian population, particularly when you’re going for associations with happiness.

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You know when commercials are forced to say a “conditions apply” statement and say it really fast and in one breath at the end of the commercial, like “closed course, professional driver. If you’re a dumb ass and try this you cannot sue us” or one they use seem to have to use here, “mutual funds are subject to market risk. Read the offer statement closely”?

Yeah, well you should hear them do that in Tamil. Holy shit can they get those statements out quickly!

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And that’s entirely enough TV for one article...

Life in Chennai #9: Survival Skills I Learned in the Last Couple Weeks

1) How to send letters by air mail at the post office
The elaborate, exotic process: it is exactly the same as sending regular mail, just with more stamps. So it wasn’t really that exhilarating. To be honest, I’m a little suspicious that it is that easy as handwriting “airmail” on the top of the letter and adding some more stamps, but that is what they assured me at the post office. The mail wasn’t from me though, so I’ll count this one as “learned” when I have proof it arrived and by air mail.


2) Why people walk slower in the tropics
Because it is hot and sticky. All the time. I still retain much of my Northeaster stride never really losing it despite many years in Vancouver. Summer is coming though, so that might finally kill the habit!


3) How to buy things from the chemists
I know what you’re thinking. “Oooh, the chemist, you intrepid world traveller, you!” But this is a more daunting task that it first sounds. You see, chemists (aka pharmacies aka druggists as they are variously signed) in Chennai don’t have nice aisles to browse searching for what you might want, maybe check the packages, compare “extra strength” vs. “long lasting” brands. Instead they consist of a small street-facing room crammed top to bottom with boxes and haphazard products and a counter barring the front that you approach (this incidentally is the same format for the magazine shop, the snack shop, the bootleg DVD shop, etc.). You can’t look and pick something out – you have to ask the guy (or as is usual, the small army of guys crammed in the tiny space) what you want and have him dig about and produce it for you. So there is an obvious need to get over any vestiges of embarrassment or privacy (because also like everywhere else in India, you will never be the only person at the small counter shopping at the moment so your neighbours will also all know. That’s life here for everything). Man, you thought it was bad buying tampons or cold sore medication at home! It also basically means you need to know what exactly you want, what it is called, and failing that, what the underlying active ingredient is. Now, I know the generic names for the basic painkillers (I play sports), but everything else I only know by brand names non-existent here. And if you don’t know the name, you rhyme off your list of symptoms and hope they have sufficient basic medical training or at least have been working there for more than a week. I’m sure the whole system works for the locals, but as I said, it is one of the most daunting of lifestyle elements to tackle as a foreigner living overseas.

I was asked to pick up something for a colleague who was feeling ill. I was originally hopeful, as I had the actual name of a possible product to buy. Great, easy errand on my way back from lunch. Of course, they didn’t have it. Course not. I never really expected them to, because that would be actually helpful. So I explain (and have to mime) symptoms of fever, chills and tiredness/weakness. It is like medical charades, but with happy pills for the winner! My goodness, I am not sure I am comfortable with being responsible for this! But in the end a foil pack of gel-cap pills is produced that is allegedly (one of my favourite words, BTW) equivalent to what I had wanted. I might have worried about the lack of original packaging if I hadn’t been here for several months already. I pay the asked Rs 21 ($0.54 for those counting) to assuring head wags and slightly worriedly return back to work with the pack. But Hema seems happy with my choice, accepts the proffered change and takes one of the pills with a glass of water. She’s still alive and looking fine this week so I supposed they helped her get through whatever she was fighting.

A few days later, when I myself need something, I drag my housemate John down around the corner with me to help. I needed some antibacterial ointment cream and didn’t want to come back with, well, cold sore cream or anything.


4) That the price of packaged goods in India are listed on the packages.
See my previous post for details on how I discovered this useful lesson.


5) That hot glass looks exactly like cold glass.
OK, no, I didn’t actually learn this one last week here in India. I learned this one way back in chemistry lab at school, but it has always been one of my favourite all-purpose tidbits of advice, so I thought I’d share it.


6) That batting a Square Leg to the boundary for a four with 2 balls on the over is a good thing...I think...

The Cricket World Cup is on! The Caribbean nations of the West Indies are hosting 16 teams for the sports top honour. Yes, it’s cricket fever and I’m getting enough of it to finally gain an appreciation for the sport. And I’m finally learning the rules and scoring, perhaps one of the greatest survival skills here.

I was actually somewhat disappointed that because of the time zone difference to the West Indies, matches are all at night so I haven’t had the chance to see the city truly come to a grinding halt for matches. But with matches running to 2am or later in the evenings, that at least explains why people have been looking tired in the last few weeks. Traffic was noticeably light going home yesterday (Mar 23) as people settled in for the 7pm start of the critical match against Sri Lanka. It was a do-or-die elimination match so was very important. Shops were shutting their doors and people hurrying home as I passed. Sadly, the home team India lost and are out of the tournament, a major disappointment for one of the major cricket nations.

A few specific things I’ve recently picked up:
- “Innings” is singular. This makes no sense to me considering the English are the founders of both the sport and the English language. The Americans sorted it out much smarter with a baseball “inning”. Silly English.
- Getting someone out is called a “wicket” regardless of whether it involved the wicket being knocked off. It took me a while to catch onto that.
- I don’t have the attention span to watch the full 6+ hours of a One-Day International (ODI) match. But what is funny is that ODIs are considered “short” since proper Test matches usually last 5 days.
- Canada has a cricket team. We’re not that good, but we showed well in our match against England last week. Completely unsurprisingly, most of our players herald from the Caribbean.

And I have to admit, now that I’m getting the hang of the rules, arcane statistics and subtle strategy (true of a lot of major sports really), it is an interesting and exciting game. But proving I still have much to learn, I still have no idea what for example this report in the newspaper The Hindu is talking about...

Sidebar #1: The Real Shaolin Kung Fu

So I caught the latter half of this old Chinese-made documentary (http://www.amazon.com/Shaolin-Kung-Fu-Jet-Li/dp/B00004W5W0)
on the real Shaolin Monks and their Kung Fu school and it impressed me enough I wanted to share it. It was fascinating, not the least because they have been built into such a cultural icon and basis for about a bazillion movies, I didn’t really think the truth would be anything close to the hype. But it was incredible what was being show, not the least of which was a bunch of footage of 19 year-old Jet Li, pre-movie star, but already an unreal martial artist. It was very cool.

Their training regime is simply ridiculous. They showed shots of men standing up to being battered by logs (held by 10 men) in the abdomen, monks breaking standing bricks by slicing them sideways with 2 fingers, monks really doing that running up the wall thing. Many of the hundred things unbelievable looking we see now in movies and think have been spiced up by creative choreographers are actually practiced. All the swirling, super-fast fighting and weaponry moving so fast it blurs can actually be done without being sped up for camera.

A couple of the more impressive parts. At one point they show a guy breaking bottles with his hands and arms and the narrator explains that the palm style he is perfecting is very hard and involves strengthening the hand until even broken glass does no harm. The only way to train for this it is further explained is to strike dry wood beams all day. Sounds like loads of fun. Then they went into a segment where they showed the degrees the monks took to train, including not stopping training during sleep. They would sleep flat as a board between 2 pillars, one at the neck, the other the ankles with nothing in between. Others were shown similarly, but sleeping between 2 loops of rope, 5 feet off the floor (so another monk could sleep pretzelled underneath). Very few people could even hold themselves in that position, let alone rest – and sleep – for several hours!

But the most impressive of all was the old master who taught at the school. Coming back from hermitage to pass on his knowledge before he died, he was said to be a master at Qi Gong and Kung Fu to such a degree that he had virtual mastery of his mind, body, breathing and energy. They showed him standing there, this absolutely frail looking man, getting severely beaten with sticks without any discomfort or effect. He was 90 years old. Let me repeat that. He was 90 and withstanding an onslaught as if he was being whacked with straw. He doesn’t sleep at night, but goes into deep meditation sitting in a chair or on the floor. He hasn’t used a bed or lied down since he was 17. He could also still do the splits as part of his daily routines. But when the movie is all said and done, I will always retain the image in my mind of a 90 year old man holding himself in a handstand in perfect balance against a wall by a single finger on the floor. That perfect image of the potential and pure brilliance of the human body.

(Note: this is apparently such a hard task that he was the only one in the world at any age who could do it. They showed his star pupil managing it with 2 fingers, still a major accomplishment.)

Thought you’d find that cool.

Lots more info at: http://www.google.co.in/search?sourceid=navclient&aq=t&hl=en-GB&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4GGIC_en-GBIN208IN208&q=shaolin+kung+fu

Musings #4: The Black Hole of TV

So I’m watching some TV. Actually I’ve been watching a fair bit of TV in the evenings lately, a symptom of being a bit tired this week. I’ve been watching movies, which is fine enough, but I know I’m really lethargic when I’ll watch whatever is on regardless of whether it is any good. For example, I watched "Resident Evil 2: Apocalypse" the other day, which beyond an attractive Mila, is a really, really poor movie. But despite that, I sat through 2/3 of it before (thankfully) getting a phone call and having to switch it off. There is a good scene of the Toronto City Hall getting nuked though, which was kinda cool. Gotta love those obvious-its-Hollywood-North shots.

But things hit a new low this weekend when "Cody Banks, Secret Agent" came on today...until a scene comes on where they go to the secret enemy base in the "Cascades". Except of course it was filmed in Vancouver (the CIA lab is SFU campus) and so was actually Vancouver's backyard, not Seattle's as they pretended. And in that scene suddenly it made the hour wasted worthwhile, because it was peaks I had been on, valleys I had skied and visas I hadn't needed a helicopter to visit. The shots of the cracked bomber granite and sweet kickers gave me a touch of what I’m missing being here. Seriously boys, you should all watch the flick (you can fast forward) for the 2 minute scene flying and then snowboarding through (I think) the Tantalus Range, Mount Seymour and Garibaldi Park. Most of the shots were too short for me to catch, but on pause, I’m sure you could locate most. The secret base was obviously inside Table Mountain in Garibaldi though (hell of a spot for a secret base actually. We’re going to have to keep that in mind if we ever decide to go into the super villain biz). It is one of the best flyovers I’ve seen of recent Hollywood Cinema of Vancouver’s near wilderness (Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “6th Day” is probably second). It was a little touch of home and a reminder just how strongly an attachment I have to the rugged beauty of the rock and ice of our home turf. Oh well, can’t blame me for finding the little joy amongst the crap. If you have other examples of good movies that obviously portray BC’s Coastals post a comment.

Oh shit, "Are We There Yet" is on next oh and damn "Home Alone 2" is on the other channel. Now that is simply going too far! Off...off...damn batteries...TV about to eat my brain...why won’t it go...OFFFF! Whew! Alright, time to go out. Terrible way to kill time, but oh well... ;-)